Letters
by JustAColoradoGirl
Summary: A letter from sirius to remus only months after he has been thrown into azkaban. Sad, but realistic and well written.. Reviews are very much appreciated.... review and i will write more. If you liked this story read my new one called "A challene is it?"
1. Innocence

He had to tell him. Whether Remus would listen or not. he had to try. Sirius Black sat cold and alone in his dark Azkaban cell, with nothing but sad, tormenting thoughts flooding his mind. Images of his best friend, the one and only James Potter, flashed in and out... then Hogwarts and their years as the marauders...everything.his life.their life.all gone.  
  
His eyes were dry.. His lips were parched. He had no tears left, for he had cried them all,.. He wept for the life that James and lily would never get to live.. But most of all he wept for all that Harry would never know, For all the things and special moments James and lily would miss in Harry's life. He wept for Remus, who was now alone with no friends. And he wept for himself, for he was the cause of it all.  
  
Sirius looked around the almost empty cell, his eyes burning with dry tears that he could not cry. He spotted some parchment, a quill and a bit of ink. He took a deep breath, and felt a lump form in his throat, this was so hard for him. It was so hard to accept that this was now his life. He would never again see the people, or feel the love and happiness that he had come to know and love so dearly. Everything had gone in a second it seemed.. They were dead.. And he was dying inside.  
  
Sirius flattened out the piece of parchment, dipped the quill in ink, and began to write what would be one of his last letters to the outside world.  
  
Dear Remus,  
  
I am writing you this letter because there is something you must know.. And hopefully believe. I am innocent. That is as simply as I can put it. What happened that night I have still yet to really understand or figure out. but I can tell you that I am innocent of betraying James and Lily. I would have died for them.. As I would die for you. I know you are angry and hurt.. And I cannot change what happened. but know that I am not a traitor.. For I have wept for them.. And weep I still do.. I am still your friend... forever a marauder I shall be. Forever your brother in the wild. Forgive me.  
  
-Sirius  
  
He reread the letter many times before rolling it up. He went to the window and waited. Within minutes a large snowy owl, perched itself next to the bars, waiting for the letter to be attached.  
  
"Take this to remus lupin" he said in a low and grief trodden voice.  
  
The owl took flight, and Sirius watched it go until it was far from view. He hung his head once more and slowly walked over to his bed, limply sitting down on it. The will to live was diminishing quickly, but he still sought to be strong. He was innocent. And his innocence would be the only thing that kept him alive. 


	2. Justice

Chap. 2 His justice.  
  
The house was incredibly small... and said to be shabby by others.  
But to the man who lived in it. it was perfectly fine. There was only  
one light glimmering within the house tonight.. A small red candle  
burned dimly at the desk, as its inhabitant sat reading a rather  
tattered looking book.  
  
A few of Remus lupin's longish ,sandy, brown hair tresses fell in his  
face as he turned a page, sighing in sadness. He closed the book,  
knowing that once again he would not be able to concentrate on  
reading. He had held it together for the past few months, rarely  
crying, standing strong.. Doing the best he could to cope with the  
engulfing loneliness that was now upon him.  
  
They were gone.. All of them. His 3 best friends.. His never ceasing  
strength... all gone. His eyes began to well up.. He didn't want to  
hold it in any longer.. But he had to.. Perhaps if he held it in. it  
would make it less real. less painful.  
  
Remus slowly layed his head in his arms on the desk.. His eyes heavy  
and burning with unreleased tears.  
  
"No." he murmered.. The memories taking over his mind once again.. The  
memories. the unrelenting nightmares. the worst sort of nightmares...  
the ones that come true. Yes.. His nightmares had surely come true..  
Not only did he lose 1 best friend. but all..all the love and  
happiness he knew was all taken. gone for as long as he would live.  
Which desperately he hoped would not be much longer..  
  
"Why..." remus whispered. his sadness now beginning to turn into  
anger. He could no longer hold back the tears. he was angry.. He had  
trusted him. trusted him with his life.. With everything. Lily and  
james had trusted him!! Trusted him with their lives as well as  
harry's! How could he..  
  
Suddenly there was a tapping at Remus's window.. He half heartedly  
lifted his head to look at the suspected window. Much to his surprise  
he saw an owl.. One which he did not recognize. Slowly he got up and  
walked over to the window, opening it quietly, he let the bird in.  
Staring at it for a moment.. Remus pondered.. Then untied the letter  
from its leg.  
  
He stared in horror at the handwriting that addressed the parchment.  
He knew it very well in fact... but it couldn't be.. He wouldn't dare  
have the nerve... The writing was indeed Sirius blacks.  
  
Remus's eyes stung terribly as he stared at the rolled paper. He  
wiped them hastily... then took a deep breath.. unrolled the parchment  
and began to read...  
  
The expressions on his face were far from forgiving... the grief was  
finally starting to overtake the man He had once been... after he  
finished he folded the parchment and set it in his desk drawer..  
gripping his hand into a fist. So many emotions all at once.. Surging  
through him. Doubt, sadness, betrayal, wonder, anger, hatred.  
  
"Forgiveness.. you dare to ask me for forgiveness Sirius.?" remus  
said lowly, now sitting down in his chair, a quill and parchment at  
hand. He quickly began to write.. His anger and vigor pouring onto  
the paper... Sirius Black had the nerve to write him. and now he would  
hear what needs to be said..  
  
The will to live for remus now, was miniscule.. but there were things  
that kept him going... kept him alive to live another tormentuous  
day... Justice..  
  
.Remus rolled up the piece of parchment and attached it to the owls  
leg..he opened his window once more, letting the bird take flight..  
  
Justice was his strength.. His saving grace. 


	3. Breathe

Chapter 3:  
  
Sirius's eyes were hollowed and dark. He could not sleep, he could not eat, he was functioning just enough to keep himself alive. What else was there to do? His stomach churned with the unknowing feeling he possessed after sending the letter.  
  
He moaned with utter sadness flowing through his veins. He couldn't even imagine how to start to describe how he was feeling. The only word that seemed to be playing through his mind was, forgiveness. Not forgiveness from Remus.. Or anyone else for that matter.. But forgiveness from himself.  
  
A soft hooting echoed through the empty cell, Sirius could feel his heart beat quicken, and his stomach become increasingly tense. He lifted him self heavily from his bed, and walked over to the barred window. He stared at the great white owl. noting how free it was.. And what it was like and how it felt to be ... free. Finally he untied the letter from the owl and held it tightly in his hand. After closing his eyes for a few precious seconds, he slowly unfolded the parchment and began to read.  
  
Sirius,  
  
My heart nor my mind can take anymore lies or doubt. The fact still remains that Lily and James are dead.. you were their secret keeper.. Their friend..and you killed them.... Now you must live with what you have done. I pray that it torments you with every passing day. slowly diminishing your soul. I never would have conceived you could do such a treacherous thing to those you love.. And unfortunately loved you too.you were my friend.. My brother I could even say.. But not now. no longer.You asked me for forgiveness.. That which I cannot give.. Perhaps one day. but not today.. Not tomorrow. Wounds heal in time.. And those I have sustained are deep.I cannot weep.. I cannot falter. I will go on living in the free world.. But you.. You will stay locked in your own grief and guilt.. Live with what you have done... I have to ask.. Would lily and James forgive you? Even more.. Would Harry forgive you? For it is them.. you have condemned. Goodbye Sirius.  
  
-Remus  
  
Sirius let the letter fall limply from his shaking hands.. Then dropping to his knees he wept once more. He wretched with dry heaves and quiet sobs. No one would ever know he was innocent. no one would ever know he was true.. In fact no one would ever know that he still lived and breathed. But breathe was the only thing he could do. 


	4. forgiveness

Chapter 4: Forgiveness.  
  
Remus gazed up at the night sky.. Flashbacks of nightly prowlings with his friends played through his mind. He slowly brought his head down to where he could stare at the ground. He didn't want to be angry anymore. he didn't want these gaping holes in his heart and soul. He wanted to move on. He wanted to forgive him.. But could he?  
  
Silently the tears began to fall. He could no longer hold them back. It was real. James And Lily were gone. Peter as well. And Sirius might as well be gone too. No matter how hard remus tried to pin all this pain on Sirius.. He couldn't. he just couldn't truly believe a man like Sirius would do all of this.  
  
Guilt was now upon him ... thinking that writing such a harsh letter would free his soul was ludicrous.  
  
" why wont you stop .. Why cant you let me be." remus breathed, wiping his eyes half heartedly.  
  
He owed Sirius his life. for many a time he had saved him. and hurt himself in the process. He was his best friend.. And now he felt as though he was the traitor. The one betraying everyone else.  
  
Remus sighed heavily, trudging back into his broken down house, on a vacant quiet street. He knew good and well that James would have forgiven Sirius without fail or second notion. They were brothers... perhaps not by blood, but by heart. Why couldn't he do the same? Why did he feel this undeniable urge to hate Sirius with everything he possessed?  
  
He sat down at his mahogany desk and began rummaging through one of the many drawers. After a minute or so he pulled out a dusty, somewhat tattered looking scrapbook of some sort. He opened it and leafed through the pages at first, then stopped about a quarter of the way through the middle.  
  
Remus stared at the page.. But not just the page.. But the single picture pasted to it.  
  
"6th year." he mumbled to himself.. Shaking his head.  
  
The picture showed all 4 boys in school uniform and robes. They stood in the snow with scarves and mittens.. Laughing and shoving each other around.  
  
Starting from the far right was Peter.. Short and plump with brown hair and dull gray eyes. He grunted as james hit him hard on the back... laughing histerically. He never really smiled sincerely... he always had this nervous look about him. Remus smiled. He could remember that moment like it was yesterday.. Peter never really changed much in demeanor or looks as he got older.. Always the seem sort of weak disposition, still he was a good friend to remus.. Also to James and Sirius. Next to Peter was James... who was now horsing around with Sirius.. Remus could hear James laughing as Sirius got him into a headlock, then let him go easily. They then turned to face forward and waved... James looked same as always. Messy untamed black hair, brown eyes, genuine smile.  
  
Remus turned away for a moment. God how he wanted to reach out and touch James.. Wishing he was still around. wishing he wasn't so alone. He would've given anything to go back to when days were carefree and the biggest woe on his mind was the next potions exam.  
  
Next to James was none other then Sirius... he was tall with longish black hair and bright blue eyes. His hair flipped out in all directions.. Making him seemingly irresistible to almost every girl in the school at the time. He punched remus in the arm.. Then ducked quickly out of the way to avoid the repercussion.  
  
Remus couldn't help but remember that some of the greatest times in his life consisted of Sirius making an ass of himself in some way.. Or simply just making a serious study session, a chaotic prank plotting meeting. He admitted it. he truly did miss his best friend. He even missed the often terrible double dating setups he made remus attend..  
  
On the farthest right was Himself. Young and full of youth. Long sandy brown hair and light honey colored eyes.. He was smiling and waving at the camera as well. Happiness.. It was sheer happiness that he felt those 7 years. For the first time in his life he had belonged.  
  
Remus closed the book solemnly and left it atop his desk. He left the den area and entered his room. lying down on his bed. Forgiveness was the first step to letting go... forgive was what he needed to do. 


	5. Revelation

Chapter 5: Revelation  
  
Sunlight peaked in through the cracks in the wooden shudders of Remus's small, yet cozy bedroom. He stirred lightly, gently opening his eyes to begin another day. A day unwanted in his mind. But the night was just as terrible, his dreams haunted him constantly, and the insomnia drove him mad.  
  
Quietly he rose out of bed, putting on a pair of semi new slacks and a gray sweater. He ran a hand through his shagged light brown hair, and walked softly out to the kitchen in stocking feet. Sitting down profoundly, he let his face rest in his hands.  
  
Thoughts of all sorts clouded Remus's mind, but one stood out among the rest. He shook his heads trying to banish it from the front of his thoughts, but it was no use.  
  
"Azkaban." he muttered , tapping his fingers lightly on the wooden table.  
  
Looking out the window, Remus came to a bitter conclusion that he would rather not carry out.  
  
"I must visit him.. One.. Last.. Time."  
  
He took a deep breath and hastily got out of the chair, then proceeded to walk over to his hall closet. There he pulled out his black robes, and put them on.  
  
Remus walked over to his fire place and muttered a few words accompanied with a flick of the wrist. Bright flames emitted a warm glow through the den, as Remus grabbed a handful of floo powder from the jar sitting on his mantel. He threw it into the fireplace watching them it glow green.  
  
Slowly he stepped into the flames , feeling the warmth surround him. He was ready.  
  
"Azkaban Prison" he said in a clear, even voice. With that he felt himself sucked into the network... and on his way to the place he least wanted to be. 


	6. Looking In

Chapter 6: Looking In.  
  
Remus stepped out of the fireplace and into the cold, stone, lobby of the ground floor in Azkaban Prison. A tall wizard with long blonde hair, tied back in a loose ponytail approached him. He wore midnight black robes with an Azkaban emblem stitched to the front chest corner. He looked to be somewhere in his mid thirties, whereas Remus was only 21 himself at the time.  
  
"Your name and purpose, sir?" he asked in a scratchy, somewhat rough voice, his wand clasped tightly in his left hand.  
  
"Remus Lupin. I am here to request a visit with the murderer Sirius Black." Remus replied in a curt tone, his hands grasped in front of him.  
  
The tall wizard studied him for a moment, looking him over completely. He silently noted what he wore and the way he carried himself.  
  
"Are you friend or family?" the man asked, looking Remus dead in the eyes.  
  
"Friend if I must classify myself as one or the either, in order to speed this along, so I might see him." Remus said impatiently, his eyes a bit narrowed at the man standing before him.  
  
The man shook his head, still keeping his eyes locked on Remus, watching him intently. Wondering, what business a young fellow would have with such a treacherous man as Sirius Black was.  
  
"You are to give me your wand and any other objects the prisoner may be able to use against you, or himself that could fatally injure or result in the death of a human being." The man stated systematically, holding out his hand.  
  
Remus pulled out his wand and set it in the hand of the wizard, then checked his pockets for anything else. The man then progressed to the station where he was posted, setting Remus's wand in a silver box atop his desk. There was a large steel gate blocking off the hallway that was a bit farther past the wizard's desk. Remus stared at it, wondering if Sirius was kept down that corridor.  
  
The man pulled out his wand and said in a quiet voice, "Alohomora." the gate unlocked, then automatically rotated its way up, leaving it clear for them to enter the hallway. They walked for what seemed like hours on end, when finally they came to the last cell on in the entire corridor.  
  
Remus stared into the dim light of where the man he owed all his pain to resided. There, looking out the window of his cell, un-noticing of the company he had obtained, was the Infamous Sirius Black. 


	7. One Last Time

Chapter 7: One Last Time  
  
Remus let out a heavy sigh, then proceeded to crack his neck. He closed his eyes one last time, as if to muster the strength he would undoubtedly need for this one last encounter. He cleared his throat and watched as Sirius neither moved nor made any indication that he knew someone was in his presence.  
  
"Leave me be. I wish not to speak with anyone." He finally said, his voice low and firm, but still depressed and broken in the undertones.  
  
"Turn around and face me Sirius." Remus said in an equally firm and even tone.  
  
Sirius let his head droop slightly, then began to slowly turn around. He looked into the now dark eyes of his once upon a time... best friend.  
  
Remus turned to the guard and nodded. The man opened the barred gates and let him in, then closed them once again behind him.  
  
For a long while the two stared at one and other, taking in their familiar qualities and appearances. The silence was sad and filled with high tension, both not daring to speak the first words.  
  
Sirius looked sad beyond despair, but still stood tall and broad, his handsome qualities still evident in his face and muscular body. His hair was a bit longer and a little messy and unkempt. Though he had only been in Azkaban a few short months so far, his face showed thinner and alarmingly pale in the dim light that filled the cell.  
  
Remus stood rigid, with his shoulders straight back and his arms crossed tightly in front of him. He looked unfalteringly at the wizard in front of him, choosing his words very carefully.  
  
"Remus, you have to believe me. I am-" Sirius started but was quickly interrupted by a now fervent Remus.  
  
"No old friend, I will not believe you this time. The fact still stands that, on the night that Lily and James died, you were still their secret keeper. I can't even begin to tell you of all the pain you have caused, not only to me. but to many others who loved you. I can no longer pretend that nothing has happened.. that they are not dead.. and that you are not a murderer. I can no longer live in my world of hate and blame all centered around you." Remus said in a very clear but disheartened tone.  
  
Sirius took a breath and shook his head.  
  
"I see that it is pointless to try and explain or make you believe that I am not than me who you think me to be. but let me say this Remus.. have I ever done anything to warrant your distrust?" Sirius replied, his confidence now back in some level.  
  
Remus thought for a moment then grinned in an angered sort of way.  
  
"Only once have you ever done anything to make me see fault in you.. And you and I both know and should remember it very well." Remus said stiffly.  
  
Sirius's expression fell drastically as he let out a labored sigh. "Snape."  
  
" You almost made me a murderer Sirius.. He could have died... and you were the one that sent him after me! Ironic how it is you who is now the murderer isn't it?" remus whispered, wishing this conversation didn't have to be.  
  
"Remus. I cannot take back what happened when we were young. nor can I bring back lily or James.. But I can tell you that no matter what things you say to me.. or what things your don't. you will always be my brother, not by blood but by heart."  
  
Remus looked at Sirius.. Something flashing in his eyes.  
  
"I am sorry but a murderer is no brother of mine..." he said in almost a regretful tone.  
  
"Why have you come here if you will not listen to the truth or believe anything I have to say for that matter?" Sirius asked.  
  
" You once asked me for forgiveness... and I believe I owe you that much. even if you might not deserve it. All that you have done for me has not been forgotten, all the love and friendship you've shown me. I know that james would have forgiven you in a heartbeat..therefore I must forgive you as well... I forgive you for turning into the horrible thing you have become.. And I forgive you for what you have taken away from me. I forgive you this one last time." Remus replied, watching the impact the words had on Sirius.  
  
Sirius pushed back the giant lump that had formed in his throat and with all his might held back the tears.  
  
"You will never now the truth, for you are too scared to hear it and challenge what all have thought and said.. it is I who now forgive you Remus. perhaps one day you will show the bravery I once saw in you.and seek to know what honestly happened that night." Sirius said very calmly, a fire burning in his soul.  
  
" I died that night Sirius.. Never again will I be the man I once was..good bye." Remus said, a rage flaring up momentarily in his eyes. then extinguished with the tears that threatened to fall down his cheeks.  
  
Remus walked over to stand in front of the bars, turning his back to Sirius, who had turned away as well. the guard unlocked the cell barred door and let Remus out. The man relocked the bars again and started off down the hallway.  
  
He took one last glancing look over his shoulder before he followed in step.  
  
One... last.. time. 


End file.
